39. The Comeback-effect/ As subtile as an earthquake.

I had neutralized him.

It had taken an entire summer of banging my fist against my heart just to make it start to work again, it involved nights of a fever-esce light and desperation as I said your name over and over again, thinking in my night-time madness that it would make you appear from your shadows, from your absence. I needed to see you but you were´nt here.

So day by day I started to slowly count you out of everything.
Thought a little less about the boys who would walk by me on the street, on the bus, in school, who wore the same kind of leather jacket as you. Started the neutralization-process.
To neautralize someone you once have loved you must first hate them for a bit.
I did that too, after I was done with self-pitty and hinding beneath the covers.
When I met my new lover I was in the state of rage. I hated you.
Nothing would break your heart more that seeing me with another.
Someone better, someone like him.

For a long time I hated you until finally I realized that you did not take part of the hate cause you were not there to get affected by it.
So I realized, you´re neutral ground to me now.
That went well, very well I might add.

So came that day when you moved back once again, and everything I had just so firmly belived, that solid foundation, was rocked to the core. A crack. Earthquake. It was no life-changing events you participated in, it was just the simple fact that I could see you, in front of me. I could look at the back of your head and stare, like I used to. Wondering if you knew that you were being observed. And by whom.

That air. That sudden place that filled the entire space we were standing in that was screaming, shouting out our story to everyone that would listen. Nobody did, of course.
We looked into each others eyes and even though it had been months, nothing had really changed.

We were still where we had left us before. Time and space and calendars did not exist in that space. The only thing that existed were us, and our history.
The feeling was so innmese that it took me quite some time to come back to the present.
When I stepped out of that box of air and our world, reality came across me.

Here, in the residence of time, place and calendars, our lives had continued and even if he felt the same for me I had a new lover and a whole new set of love and problems to go with them.
I think you knew, right away.
I could see in your eyes that you had admitted defeat.
I could just sense it the same way that you sensed that the next time we sat in silence I was not observing you.

I miss you.

Once, my mother asked me about that new man in my life.
She said: do you love him, that boy that comes over here nowadays?
-no.
-are you sure you don´t have feelings for him?

-mom, I left in love with Simon and I returned in love with Simon.
There was noone else in my heart besides him.
( In my bed maybe, on my lips, sure. But in my heart, it was always him, always.)
- and does he still reside within that heart of yours?-
- ...