39. The Comeback-effect/ As subtile as an earthquake.

I had neutralized him.

It had taken an entire summer of banging my fist against my heart just to make it start to work again, it involved nights of a fever-esce light and desperation as I said your name over and over again, thinking in my night-time madness that it would make you appear from your shadows, from your absence. I needed to see you but you were´nt here.

So day by day I started to slowly count you out of everything.
Thought a little less about the boys who would walk by me on the street, on the bus, in school, who wore the same kind of leather jacket as you. Started the neutralization-process.
To neautralize someone you once have loved you must first hate them for a bit.
I did that too, after I was done with self-pitty and hinding beneath the covers.
When I met my new lover I was in the state of rage. I hated you.
Nothing would break your heart more that seeing me with another.
Someone better, someone like him.

For a long time I hated you until finally I realized that you did not take part of the hate cause you were not there to get affected by it.
So I realized, you´re neutral ground to me now.
That went well, very well I might add.

So came that day when you moved back once again, and everything I had just so firmly belived, that solid foundation, was rocked to the core. A crack. Earthquake. It was no life-changing events you participated in, it was just the simple fact that I could see you, in front of me. I could look at the back of your head and stare, like I used to. Wondering if you knew that you were being observed. And by whom.

That air. That sudden place that filled the entire space we were standing in that was screaming, shouting out our story to everyone that would listen. Nobody did, of course.
We looked into each others eyes and even though it had been months, nothing had really changed.

We were still where we had left us before. Time and space and calendars did not exist in that space. The only thing that existed were us, and our history.
The feeling was so innmese that it took me quite some time to come back to the present.
When I stepped out of that box of air and our world, reality came across me.

Here, in the residence of time, place and calendars, our lives had continued and even if he felt the same for me I had a new lover and a whole new set of love and problems to go with them.
I think you knew, right away.
I could see in your eyes that you had admitted defeat.
I could just sense it the same way that you sensed that the next time we sat in silence I was not observing you.

I miss you.

Once, my mother asked me about that new man in my life.
She said: do you love him, that boy that comes over here nowadays?
-no.
-are you sure you don´t have feelings for him?

-mom, I left in love with Simon and I returned in love with Simon.
There was noone else in my heart besides him.
( In my bed maybe, on my lips, sure. But in my heart, it was always him, always.)
- and does he still reside within that heart of yours?-
- ...

38. OH, when the moon shakes.

HE HAD AN OTHER.
I met her and her eyes glowed.

Everything you ever told me were pure lies, I could tell just by looking at her.
She was gorgeous and I hated her for it.
My face was turning green and to stop me from acting as a bad ripoff of the Hulk I said:
”nice too meet you and excuse me I have to go work the room, bla bla bla”.
I had never felt so bad in my entire life.

I saw you together, perfectly synchronized and I wondered if I had ever ment anything to you.
If I was just an hidden time in your life, something that you already had forgotten and moved on from, completely. You were more handsome than ever, and now you were hers.

I hated you for that. I hated you so much that when you came over to say hello and to give me the sympathetic look I once had taught you I ran away from you, into his arms.
To him, who was always ready to kiss me, no questions asked. I felt that you where a little uncomfortable about that fact but I could not help but convince myself that it was just in my head.
All the dreams of you where only in my head.

She is left alone for a moment and drinks very expensive champange from very cheap glasses.
Or maybe it was the other way around, she cant recall, she can´t remember. At one moment she sees the green-blue eyes moving towards her and they both think about that night at the empty resturant when she had that bottle of french expensive wine tumbling around in her stomach.
Suddently, there is no way out and before she knows what is going on he is stroking her chin, whispering ”Lua” in her ear and she´s moving her hands against his, her chin against his neck, hands fingers lips and hair in one big drunken mess as the room spins around as he kisses her.

They are suddenly surrounded by sympathetic looks.
She grabs her stiletto heels and is on her way up when he finally says something to her.

- I still love you, you know. I will never take back those words in the park.

37.But I guess that you where always on my mind.

Before, nothing ment everything to me.
A smile, just to talk, someones hand close to mine.

Now, everything means nothing to me.
No dedicated songs, no shows of affection nor words to hold dear.

With you, I could wait happily in love for a lifetime,
with him, I can´t spend a day happy,
cause I'll keep waiting for you for all my life.


This August, 16th, a party is taken place on his side of the city and there are four people involved in the spectacles of misery, love and confusion taking place this evening.

She is there, with her new lover guarding her side, waiting for one move and walking around with too high heels above the ground.

He is there, with her, they are at the other end of the room but she can still see every colour being reflected in his blue-green eyes. The ducks are outside, giving their sympathetic looks from much too far away.

36. When you love his sneezes more than anyone elses kisses.

I do not think that you had something to do with my love for you.

It sounds ridiculous to say, but it is in fact as close to the truth that I´ll ever get.
As time passed, my love for you and the actual human being that is you became more and more seperate things. My love for you was something unrational, without any basis to exist in reality.

It had been such a long time since I last saw you that the images my mind was obsessing on was maybe not even really pictures of you, but of someone I had created on my own, somehow, something that kept me in love, my DIY illusion. I realized that it was odd, it was not even logical.

I truly knew that when I met you again you would not be like the ideal of my teenage-aching mind. But somehow it did not matter. It did not even cross my mind that it would be some kind of problem to be in love with you for the rest of my days still realizing that I did not feel any real affection for you anymore.
I did not want a relationship with you, I did not want your love, your caress or anything at all.
I had made up my mind that I could not focus on anyone else than me right now and we both would agree that this was the right thing to do. We would.
I just wanted someone to keep my heart warm and full. Without your illusion, it would be empty and when my heart is empty I tend to dissapear a bit. It becomes fragile aswell, like an eggshell that breaks easily.
You protected it, without even being aware of it.

So I spent what seemed like an eternity watching you from the distance. And every time I would see you, you would break my heart. And I would let you. Because even though it would hurt so incredibly much to see your hands without mine wrapped around them, your lips without my lips nailed together, it would hurt one billion times more to let you go.
Because what are you left with if not hope?

If not that sometime in the future when we would be wiser and greater and better versions of ourselves and not self-destructive teenagers with their hearts in their throughts we could work things out for real and then I would have you for eternities to spare.
I didn´t thought that would happen though, but it saved my heart to keep that illusion for a while.

35. No, no, I never did.

Some months had passed and I was fed up with living my life on bleached-out postcards and past emotions. The time had made me realized that my new lover was the kind that never would leave, never would puncture my heart the way you (who I don´t think about anymore and who I dont remember that once said that would never leave me, ever) once did.
And I had started to love him for that.
He had less red lips than you and was not as tall but he made me breakfast every morning and kissed all my sorrows away.
I was happy,
Truly happy that I had finally made you some kind of neutral ground.

You´re switzerland to me now. Maybe at first it was denial but one of those nights that I used to spend in his arms thinking non stop about you, I caught myself not leaving at the break of dawn, not running around looking for scraps of your love for me under my furniture and not reading your postcards 53 times a day. I was staying in those arms, kissing back at those not as red lips, breathing the same air as him for hours without thinking of broken hearts of our teenage lives and tearstained pillows every morning.

He could see that she was writing something down on the back of an old recipt as she woke up and thought that he was still sleeping.
She kissed him goodbye, but this time he felt like she ment it.
No sham-relationship or something to hide.
He read the note the second she closed the door behind her.

”I want you to know this: I would be with you all day to talk to you, call you every second your eyes stepped into my thougths, witch would be always, I would text you for all eternity. But, I don´t. I can´t. Cause I´m afraid that it will be the same the same mess forever, and all over again and I can´t do that I can´t do that again. Cause you seem great, YOU ARE JUST NOT SOMEONE TO THROW AWAY.”

34. Realisations of inevitable truths.

In the middle of the night I climbed out of his arms and ran all the way to your house in the morning light. Threw silent rocks at your window, hoping that you did not hear me and still that you did, somehow. Even though you did not even live there anymore.
Crap. I still love you, don´t I?

33. It's hard to look back when you're all alone.

Last april, the 5th at 1.33 pm

You can hear childrens laughter in the background.
They are still wearing their wintercoats and the snow has just fallen all over their city.
She brings him to a park and now he´s being chased by little kids, lauging and kidding around, like he used to do. The kids finally trip him and he falls down on his majestic back as she runs up to him in her beige winterboots and used-up jeans.

-I am in love with you.
(I am so freaking unbelivably breathtakingly in love with you,
you´re all I think about everyday all day for the last couple of months and the fact that
I couldn´t tell you has been breaking my heart ever since, but I don´t care, I don´t care if my heart is shredded to pieces cause this feeling is all I have left now, it has become part of me.)

He says it with no warning, no fireworks in the sky and no orchestra of lovesongs.
They are just two overgrown kids in a sandbox and she is standing beside him listening to his heartbeats and making sure that he´s not hurt.
-”Don´t say it if you don´t mean it. You don´t have to say it, you know. I´m fine anyhow.”
A lie.

-I know I don´t have to say it and that´s why I am saying it. I am in love with you and I want you to love me back, even if it´s just a little bit. No, wait, I take it back, I want you to love me more than a little bit, and I won´t take no for an answer!

-I am in love with you too, sissy.

Good, he said.
Yeah, she agreed.

They layed there for some seconds, minutes, hours, days, she can´t recall he can´t remember when they´re laying there in an icecold sandbox watching the snowflakes fall to melt on the ground.

32. I might aswell jump in a lake - it´s wrong – it´s too late – you don´t love me.

It would have been better if not I had have you inside my brain the entire time.
Wondering about your words, your stonecold heart and those twiches you make with your eyes when you smile.

It was 2.33 in the afternoon and all the memories of you started to stick on my skin.
I would look at my left hand and the memory of your hand in my hand that time on the rollercoasters last summer would come running agaist me and my present time in 200 miles an hour.

I turned around and watched him sleep, could not help to compare him with you.
As your face was tattoed to my mind I could might as well entertain myself with it.
His upperlip was smaller and not as red. His nose was not as big as yours but also had freckles on it.
His eyebrows were brown, yours were hazel.
How come I´d remember those things and not your middle-name?
His ears were a little bit bigger than yours. And he had too perfect teeth.
You had crooked teeth.
He talked about The Rolling Stones like you talked about The Shins.


No, I was done with this for the day.

I Got up quietly and left the apartment around 5.57 in the morning and walked thru the streets of my new neighborhood. It was some kind of magic in the air, the streets smelled like fresh bread and it seemed like everyone was doing laundry and sprinkling cinnamon all around.
The air was grey and mystic as the haze entered the city you had made me fall in love with.

I still can´t belive your not here with me anymore.
I still can´t belive I am not where you are.
I still can´t belive that you are somewhere else today,
and yesterday and probably tomorrow.

The prescense of her new lover was not strong enough for her to just forget all the memories with him, so as she layed there wrapped in another man´s arms,
her mind began to wander back to the time when her former lover was her whole world.

31. It feels like noone is here for me.

I was in his arms, felt his cherrytasting lips against my neck and his whole apartment had another scent than yours.

Of course it had.

It was a good thing.

30. I wish that without me your heart would break.

I think that you were aching aswell.
I dont want to belive that I was alone in this mess we sometimes called love.
In one way it would be easier, cause I could just convince myself that I was a fool in love,
for the hundreth time, alone.
But I knew that one time in history your heart had skipped some beats for me and all I wanted was to make history repeat itself.

So I would sit alone during the nights, not able to fall asleep until 2.33, when I always would feel a twitch in my left hand. At that point something would always make my eyelids heavier than led, knocking me almost unconciously to sleep.

Sometimes I think I only imagined feeling it, but still, somehow I knew it was true.

I felt so much for you and some days I thought it would never go away.
That I would spend the rest of my days wandering around the streets of my neighborhood trying to make my runned-down old heart work properly.

Banging my fist against my heart trying to make it start beating again.
Trying to make it not fear itself anymore.

I did not know what to do, my heart was still stone cold for the moment and so I decided to walk over to the boy that was not afraid to love me. The one that really showed what he felt.
He made me sick. I´m not like that, you´re not like that. But you´ve left me no choice.

I worked in a clockstore. One day I decided to set all the clocks to exactly 2.33. When I was done I felt twitches all over my body.
This was one of my attempts to make you remember me.

29. In your arms / I close my eyes.

I woke up the next morning in his arms, once again.
Felt sick, got dressed and ran out the door.
I never say goodbye.
I walked thru the streets in the morninglight. The whole world was quiet, the streets were empty of people and everywhere I looked, there you where.
In the presence of music-posters, streets that we used to run up and down on, ducks with sympathetic looks and used coffeemugs rolling around the streets in the morninglight. I was listening to my ipod, the song ”lua” was playing and I though of that time in that place in that particular moment when I really fell for you.
It was the night that would later be known as the beginning of the end. It was like you could see that I was falling and therefore decided that you had to leave me before we destroyed each other completly.

28. Pulling your puzzles apart.

One time he came over to her house.
The rooms were filled with postcards and the subtile smell of stew.
The postcards where everywhere. Under the chairs, taped to the refrigirator.
Stacks of them on the kitchentable, and one that he thought had fallen into the sink by mistake.
The postcard was wet but he could still make out the words. ”forget me.” it said.
And then some other words he couldn´t quite make out.

She had tried to destroy it without being a firehazard. The feeling of lost love had changed into furious rage that was pumping thru her icy veins. She grabbed him by the hand, her perfect substitute, her nothing. Tried to kiss the former love out of her life once and for all.

In the morning she awoke by the sunlight rising thru her open windows.
Her nothing was sitting by the bed and as she reached for his back she discovered that he was reading all of her postcards.
Every word she had saved from her former lover.

-I don't understand this, do you still love him?
he said it with newly grown jealosy shining thru his darkgreen eyes.
Jealous of that he was not the one her heart had been beating so strong for.
He was not the apple of her eye.

He continued:
-you're trouble and misery, but I´m falling for you. I love you.

She had waited for so long for someone to say those words to her again but now that they came out it was from the wrong mouth, the wrong voice, and the wrong, icecold heart that it was dedicated to.

They sat there, he was waiting for a response, a reaction of some kind, something in her eyes that showed that she was aware of his affections and adored them as much as he adored her.
IT IS THE WORST CASE SCENARIO, she thought as the words were slippning out of his mouth and into her mind.

For as long as she had remembered this was what she wanted. He was perfect, she truly adored him but in some way, no matter how hard she tried to convince her icecold heart to unfreeze for this boy it seemed to be permenantly frozen. It was not an eggshell-heart but this was not a better alternative in any way. She banged continiously her fist against her heart in the desperation to feel something she so truly wanted to feel, but nothing worked.

She looked into his eyes but the butterflies in her stomach were on a permanent vacation.
By the look of his face, her butterflies were vacationing in his stomach.

27. If you tell me you love me I will crush you again.

There was no turning back at this point now. He was laying by the bed running his fingers thru her hair. Even though she had always been stone cold to him,
he could see himself falling deeper and deeper in love with her.
When he asked her what they where she would shook her head decisevly and say:

Nothing, we´re nothing at all.
He could see that her mind was somewhere else but her lips where rigth there so he settled for less. Or more. He couldn't quite tell yet.

26. Love´s an excuse to get hurt and to hurt. Do you like to hurt? I do, I do! - THEN HURT ME.

You were everywhere. I had not seen you for months but I still remember your mighty apperance as I kissed those cherrytasting lips of his. He whispered sweet drunken nothings in my ear, I lauged but he looked at me straight and was dead serious. So I pretended to be aswell.


She remebered his breath that tasted like cherries and that his five-a-clock-shadow had made marks all around her lips. Noone was to blame. She loved this feeling. Or so she thought. The sun rised on the wrong side of the city and she knew what she had done but her stonecold heart had no need for an excuse anymore. She wanted more and he kissed her, he kissed her on the lips exacly 23 times. This scene would repeat itself about 4-5 times a week for a long time. Her hair had grown down her waist. She layed beside him with her face pressed against the pillow and as he awoke he started to kiss her neck and shoulderblades.
The feeling was inmense and slightly breathtaking.
She turned her head and faced him. Ran her fingertips against his beard that had grown for just about a week. It was itchy, black and she was amusing herself with it. He smiled and looked into her eyes and she could see that he had fallen for her. He continued to kiss her everywere, making sure that he did not leave an inch of her skin unkissed. He was kissing the tip of her nose when she finally had enough and pulled him closer, kissing his lips for the second or hundred time.
The strings of morninglight were piercing thru her windows and they lauged as they knew that nothing was forever even if it might aswell been eternities that they layed there beside each other breathing the air of future nostalgia. They stopped breathing. Kissed a little bit more. He was leaving for the week, leaving her and somehow she convinced herself that this was the last time she would see him.
Even if he was her substitute, her nothing and she was still obsessing on her everything supposoably waiting for her on the other side of the horizons she thought to herself that she could still give him a final spectacle. Making anything she wanted out of this moment. This moment that maybe never would come back. This time when no confusion, mindgames or uncertainties existed. It was just him, who was crazy about her and she, who knew that he would follow her every move.

25. I WANT A BOY THAT´S SO DRUNK HE DOSEN´T TALK.

I woke up several hours again in his arms and realized it felt nice to have someone near and someone to hold dear, even if it just was for the moment. I did not think of it much as an romantic gesture, for me it was just the simple fact that we both where alone and I needed to be taken care of that night. I awoke and turned around, he had pushed me into a corner in his sleep and now I was pressed between the wall and his arms. Even though I did not want to be alone I suddently felt trapped and all the angst I had tried to repress came over me with just one single breath. When we got up to have breakfast we did not even look at each other, it was just like that night had never existed. I didn´t mind, I was never ment for him and he was never ment for me and I hoped that he felt the same way.

He made me breakfast. It was great and he even volunteered to do the dishes afterwards. It was in theory, just lovely. But I could not even so much as look at him without getting naseus. He smiled at me and wanted to look deep into my eyes but I stopped him because just the thought made my insides want to burst.

The butterflies that first had been so persistent with their prescense was now screaming with their abscense.

I was trapped in my own mess and there was no way out of it. For some reason I spent that whole time thinking about you, thinking if one could still call something like this cheating even though I was aware that it couldn´t be.

I had not been in love with you for so long.
I had moved on.

You had moved on aswell. There was not even one single scrap of love left between us but I would have still wanted it to be you rather than him.
During breakfast I felt his feet moving towards mine under the table. I could have stopped them, but I was feeling alone again and somehow his prescense at the breakfasttable did me good, it stopped the angst he had started earlier.

I stayed there all day, we talked, but I just had you on my mind. He held my hand, whispered sweet nothings into my ear and kissed my cheek. We talked about music and art and everything else but I could not for the life of me get you off my mind.

Tattoed to my mind, when I looked at his eyes I just saw yours. Everywhere I looked, there you where, smiling towards me and constantly breaking my heart. It was drowning me in angst and heartache, so when he offered me a drink I was not one to say no. We sat together for hours, listening to our own voices and I was drinking more and more to get my mind off you. I drank red wine cause that is the only thing that could make me take my mind of love. It was just what I needed at the time. We sat outside, with bottles that surrounded us, on the wet grass in the sunset. Lauging, talking. I can´t seem to remember every detail of that time, I just remember that the smell of spring was in the air and that he smelled like cherries. Somehow my hand had fallen into his and he was reaching for my winecoloured lips in our drunken daze.

He kissed me and I did not fight back.
I wanted him to because with every kiss I was making you dissapear.
Or so I belived.

24.Kissing the lipless.

I was talkning in my sleep and I wondered what it ment.

We spent that entire night together, our hands and feet braided into the others, and even though he was kind of good looking, intresting and we had talked for hours about art, music and life I could not help but think that he was so not the man that I wanted to braid my fingers with.

Even so, our fingers were crossed together for eternitys and even if my appearence was subtile and cold my whole insides were on fire.
That was the first time I had ever felt something as strong as that feeling.

They were like fever-esce strikes of lightning inside my stomach, making me nauseaus every fifth minute. Hours afterwards I was burning up inside and my heart made double skips every second. For every second his hand was in my hand the feeling got worse.

I´d had my whole life to prepare myself for this moment, and I could of so easily moved away my hand from his, but
I just, couldn´t. And that is all. I couldn´t.

I am strong but there is still only so much strength a person can have before losing a little bit of sense.
He had told me some days ago that there was nothing going on between us and that was just fine with me but now I knew that that was one of the few times that he lied.

There was so much between us that it took all of my strength not to go further,
not to take it
were my body wanted
to take it
but were my mind soul and heart
never would had forgiven me for.

23. I have never met a girl like that that makes my life shine so bright and clear, I wish I never held her dear, never held her dear.

Even though it was her original idea it was he who had made the first move. He could see her broken, shattered heart and wanted to instantly heal it. She looked into his boyish eyes but all she could see was her former lover. As he looked into her confusing eyes, an air of desperation and insanity went upon her. They kissed for minutes, hours, days.
They can´t recall, they can´t remember.
She decided there and then that she was thru with eternal love.
She felt absolutely nothing for this boy and she never wanted to. To stop her heart from bleeding away she made it hard as stone so that no one could ever break it again.

He leaned foward and started to kiss her neck.
He was in a daze and even though she was concious of every minute of that night there was still some particular daze that went over her too. He moved closer and closer until their lips met, and he kissed her for what seemed as an eternity.

When you take the love out of kissing, what do you have left?
Lips?
and afterwards she was shaking non-stop
without any reasonable explanation.
When you take away the heartbeats from hearts
what do you have left?
Dead organs?

That night she considered seriously not letting anybody kiss her ever again.

It was a strange feeling being so close to someone without the butterflies, without the heartbreaking thought of that at any second he could change his mind and move his lips away from mine.

It was particulary strange to lay next to someone you did not count every single heartbeat of.
It was strange but surprisingly not hard to do at all.

It was an reassurance. The warmth of another human being was better than a malfunctioning radiator next to the bed in wicht I had spent the last couple of months hiding under.
He looked into her eyes, smiling, waiting for a response. Her brain knew what to do, to smile back, to show him some emotion whatsoever but her heart did not recive the message. She only stared back at him, with icecold eyes. He ignored the gesture and stayed close. As she was in denial he aswell was choosing not to see her empty, beaten down heart.
Choosing to belive something else.

22. Oh come closer show me better times.

The phone rang. The signals where the sweetest melodies I think i've ever heard. I closed my eyes and listened to them for a while, with my eyes shut I could almost taste the lips that always would tease me with a kiss from the distance. I looked at the phone and waiting to see his name and number, my eyes did not follow the truth and I picked up the phone ready to hear his words again, finally, I would get my fix, my addiction had returned. It was not his voice that echoed thru the phone, it was not his name and number that shined on the display. It was another man, a man that I knew but never payed much attention to. I was paralyzed as he started to talk to me. He wanted to invite me to a big party his brother was hosting and wondering if I could come. When?

-Tonight.

-I don´t feel so good.
-Yes you do, you feel just fine. How long will you isolate yourself from the world and stay inside with only your reflection in the mirror?

I knew he had a point. I knew that I was forced to leave this room someday. My hair was a mess, my eyes where black and my hand had been stuck to the phone for days. Even my bones hurt.
I was fisically heartbreaking, fisically aching.

I took the longest shower in the history of modern love and loss and braided my thick and torn hair.