25. I WANT A BOY THAT´S SO DRUNK HE DOSEN´T TALK.

I woke up several hours again in his arms and realized it felt nice to have someone near and someone to hold dear, even if it just was for the moment. I did not think of it much as an romantic gesture, for me it was just the simple fact that we both where alone and I needed to be taken care of that night. I awoke and turned around, he had pushed me into a corner in his sleep and now I was pressed between the wall and his arms. Even though I did not want to be alone I suddently felt trapped and all the angst I had tried to repress came over me with just one single breath. When we got up to have breakfast we did not even look at each other, it was just like that night had never existed. I didn´t mind, I was never ment for him and he was never ment for me and I hoped that he felt the same way.

He made me breakfast. It was great and he even volunteered to do the dishes afterwards. It was in theory, just lovely. But I could not even so much as look at him without getting naseus. He smiled at me and wanted to look deep into my eyes but I stopped him because just the thought made my insides want to burst.

The butterflies that first had been so persistent with their prescense was now screaming with their abscense.

I was trapped in my own mess and there was no way out of it. For some reason I spent that whole time thinking about you, thinking if one could still call something like this cheating even though I was aware that it couldn´t be.

I had not been in love with you for so long.
I had moved on.

You had moved on aswell. There was not even one single scrap of love left between us but I would have still wanted it to be you rather than him.
During breakfast I felt his feet moving towards mine under the table. I could have stopped them, but I was feeling alone again and somehow his prescense at the breakfasttable did me good, it stopped the angst he had started earlier.

I stayed there all day, we talked, but I just had you on my mind. He held my hand, whispered sweet nothings into my ear and kissed my cheek. We talked about music and art and everything else but I could not for the life of me get you off my mind.

Tattoed to my mind, when I looked at his eyes I just saw yours. Everywhere I looked, there you where, smiling towards me and constantly breaking my heart. It was drowning me in angst and heartache, so when he offered me a drink I was not one to say no. We sat together for hours, listening to our own voices and I was drinking more and more to get my mind off you. I drank red wine cause that is the only thing that could make me take my mind of love. It was just what I needed at the time. We sat outside, with bottles that surrounded us, on the wet grass in the sunset. Lauging, talking. I can´t seem to remember every detail of that time, I just remember that the smell of spring was in the air and that he smelled like cherries. Somehow my hand had fallen into his and he was reaching for my winecoloured lips in our drunken daze.

He kissed me and I did not fight back.
I wanted him to because with every kiss I was making you dissapear.
Or so I belived.