48. I don´t want to spend the rest of my days, running around, chasing your shadow.

Love is the weirdest thing. When you don´t have it you want nothing else.
When you have it you are so afraid of losing it.
And when you lost it you wish you´d never had it in the first place.

Well, I will not regret my love for anyone.
I said that I was thru living my life with an eraser in it, and I still am.

So what, if our love did'nt make it? I was not doomed to be without love for the rest of my life just beacuse I did not end up with the first expierence of love in my life!

The ducks sympathetic looks did'nt eat me up inside anymore, nor did the shinsongs.
The story of my life, no, the story of the first years of my life, exclusivly, could have ended with me realizing that my new lover was the one for me and that I would remain the rest of my days with his arms around my waist and his cherrytasting lips on my pillows.
But I choose to not go down that road.
Neither will Saint Simon have an defenitive role as the co-actor of my lovelife.
This is what I wanted to know for so long,
that I did not need them to re-define me,
cause I am not defined by other peoples temporary love for me.

I am defined by me, my actions, my moodswings, my mothers stew and nothing else.

As a teenager you think that your life will always be the same, the people in your life will always play the same roles, the same scripts will be said, day in and day out. But life is not predictable.

Life is not over the day you finish high-school or the day you leave your first love or the day you throw fivehundred and eighty-nine postcards out in the river.
Love is great, embrace it. Feel it in your bones, love the way it makes you feel and curse it´s existance when it lets you down. But never let it own you.