41. And it hurts with every heartbeat.

(back at the party, facing him once again and when he said ”i still love you, you know, i will never take back those words in the park.”)

He continued;

-But I could see that you moved on and so I decided to do that aswell. And it was fine, I was happy, I guess, but then I saw you with him and I just lost it. Why did I do that?

- Someone once told me that ”sometimes, it's just not that easy to let go of the past.”
she said.
- But we should try it.
- Yeah, we should.
- I think we kind of are.
- Me too.
(...)
- But I still miss you.
- Me too.

They looked into each others eyes and decided not to be sane so they left together.
All the sense ran out of them and the night took over, turning them back into who they where then, temporarly.
By the mornings clean light she woke up, stared him right in the face and realized that maybe neither was he so the man she wanted to wake up next to.
He awoke, looked into her eyes and she could see that he was struggling with both a hangover, aswell as the toughest desiction in the history of modern love.

He whispered:
- this is it, isn´t it?

-I think this was it a long time ago, we´re just to slow to figure it out.

- I don´t know what I want.
- I don´t know either.
- Maybe I want you.
- But I don´t think I want you anymore.

It was mean and it was hurtful but she knew the second those words came out of her mouth that they were, in fact, true.

A drunken kiss or a song of despair or both or nothing or everything,
everything, every single day for the rest of their lives would not be enough. She was free to waste away alone.
But she was not alone, she was not alone at all and therefore that night she spent with her arms wrapped around her new lovers waist and her nose laying next to his neck. It was were she needed to be.

the truth:
It was not you that had my heart in a
mess, it was me.