18. Go back to your dark clouds babe.

There was one time in my life when I used to think that love was something that came naturally, most likely in your early teen years and would stay forever, and the boy you fell for would be amazing and beautiful and completely sweep you off your feet and you would be his and only his forever. And he would make you breakfast in bed and always tell you he loved you and that he missed you when you came home.

My father did that. Every single day when my mom came home he would hug her, no matter how angry or tired she was, and he would hold her close, even though she was furious at him, and tell her that he had missed her all day. She would never say it back. She never would.
I think that in the end he did not care that much that she didn't. Maybe he knew she did. Or maybe he knew she didn't, not as much as him, but he did not care, he just wanted her to know. He wanted her to know that she would always be the apple of his eye.

I would wonder what she had done to deserve him. I knew, she was amazing, she so deserved him. But I could not help to feel so angry with her for having a boy to tell her he loved her every day and I did not have anyone. And I kept imaging that if I just had one I would never break his heart, I would never make him sad, I would just want to hold him in my arms forever and bake him cookies and write him letters and kiss him all over, all the time. I would want to grow old in his arms and when we would lie there, in a hospitalbed ,too old to talk, almost too old to breath even, I would keep him in my arms and kiss his forehead.

And we would know, that this was forever, and that I adored him and that he adored me.
We would take our last breath and wisper sweet words to each other and we would hear them, even thru the air and thru our non-functioning hearingaids.

Was I a fool to belive in everlasting love?
Was I a fool to think that what I had with the boy on the other side of the oceans was love, or that, one day, it would turn out to be love? Was my mind once again playing tricks on me and my heart blindfolding me, was it therefore I would get short of breath everytime I even just saw an picture of him?