I was talkning in my sleep and I wondered what it ment.
We spent that entire night together, our hands and feet braided into the others, and even though he was kind of good looking, intresting and we had talked for hours about art, music and life I could not help but think that he was so not the man that I wanted to braid my fingers with.
Even so, our fingers were crossed together for eternitys and even if my appearence was subtile and cold my whole insides were on fire.
That was the first time I had ever felt something as strong as that feeling.
They were like fever-esce strikes of lightning inside my stomach, making me nauseaus every fifth minute. Hours afterwards I was burning up inside and my heart made double skips every second. For every second his hand was in my hand the feeling got worse.
I´d had my whole life to prepare myself for this moment, and I could of so easily moved away my hand from his, but
I just, couldn´t. And that is all. I couldn´t.
I am strong but there is still only so much strength a person can have before losing a little bit of sense.
He had told me some days ago that there was nothing going on between us and that was just fine with me but now I knew that that was one of the few times that he lied.
There was so much between us that it took all of my strength not to go further,
not to take it
were my body wanted
to take it
but were my mind soul and heart
never would had forgiven me for.
onsdag 15 juli 2009
tisdag 14 juli 2009
23. I have never met a girl like that that makes my life shine so bright and clear, I wish I never held her dear, never held her dear.
Even though it was her original idea it was he who had made the first move. He could see her broken, shattered heart and wanted to instantly heal it. She looked into his boyish eyes but all she could see was her former lover. As he looked into her confusing eyes, an air of desperation and insanity went upon her. They kissed for minutes, hours, days.
They can´t recall, they can´t remember.
She decided there and then that she was thru with eternal love.
She felt absolutely nothing for this boy and she never wanted to. To stop her heart from bleeding away she made it hard as stone so that no one could ever break it again.
He leaned foward and started to kiss her neck.
He was in a daze and even though she was concious of every minute of that night there was still some particular daze that went over her too. He moved closer and closer until their lips met, and he kissed her for what seemed as an eternity.
When you take the love out of kissing, what do you have left?
Lips?
and afterwards she was shaking non-stop
without any reasonable explanation.
When you take away the heartbeats from hearts
what do you have left?
Dead organs?
That night she considered seriously not letting anybody kiss her ever again.
It was a strange feeling being so close to someone without the butterflies, without the heartbreaking thought of that at any second he could change his mind and move his lips away from mine.
It was particulary strange to lay next to someone you did not count every single heartbeat of.
It was strange but surprisingly not hard to do at all.
It was an reassurance. The warmth of another human being was better than a malfunctioning radiator next to the bed in wicht I had spent the last couple of months hiding under.
He looked into her eyes, smiling, waiting for a response. Her brain knew what to do, to smile back, to show him some emotion whatsoever but her heart did not recive the message. She only stared back at him, with icecold eyes. He ignored the gesture and stayed close. As she was in denial he aswell was choosing not to see her empty, beaten down heart.
Choosing to belive something else.
They can´t recall, they can´t remember.
She decided there and then that she was thru with eternal love.
She felt absolutely nothing for this boy and she never wanted to. To stop her heart from bleeding away she made it hard as stone so that no one could ever break it again.
He leaned foward and started to kiss her neck.
He was in a daze and even though she was concious of every minute of that night there was still some particular daze that went over her too. He moved closer and closer until their lips met, and he kissed her for what seemed as an eternity.
When you take the love out of kissing, what do you have left?
Lips?
and afterwards she was shaking non-stop
without any reasonable explanation.
When you take away the heartbeats from hearts
what do you have left?
Dead organs?
That night she considered seriously not letting anybody kiss her ever again.
It was a strange feeling being so close to someone without the butterflies, without the heartbreaking thought of that at any second he could change his mind and move his lips away from mine.
It was particulary strange to lay next to someone you did not count every single heartbeat of.
It was strange but surprisingly not hard to do at all.
It was an reassurance. The warmth of another human being was better than a malfunctioning radiator next to the bed in wicht I had spent the last couple of months hiding under.
He looked into her eyes, smiling, waiting for a response. Her brain knew what to do, to smile back, to show him some emotion whatsoever but her heart did not recive the message. She only stared back at him, with icecold eyes. He ignored the gesture and stayed close. As she was in denial he aswell was choosing not to see her empty, beaten down heart.
Choosing to belive something else.
tisdag 7 juli 2009
22. Oh come closer show me better times.
The phone rang. The signals where the sweetest melodies I think i've ever heard. I closed my eyes and listened to them for a while, with my eyes shut I could almost taste the lips that always would tease me with a kiss from the distance. I looked at the phone and waiting to see his name and number, my eyes did not follow the truth and I picked up the phone ready to hear his words again, finally, I would get my fix, my addiction had returned. It was not his voice that echoed thru the phone, it was not his name and number that shined on the display. It was another man, a man that I knew but never payed much attention to. I was paralyzed as he started to talk to me. He wanted to invite me to a big party his brother was hosting and wondering if I could come. When?
-Tonight.
-I don´t feel so good.
-Yes you do, you feel just fine. How long will you isolate yourself from the world and stay inside with only your reflection in the mirror?
I knew he had a point. I knew that I was forced to leave this room someday. My hair was a mess, my eyes where black and my hand had been stuck to the phone for days. Even my bones hurt.
I was fisically heartbreaking, fisically aching.
I took the longest shower in the history of modern love and loss and braided my thick and torn hair.
-Tonight.
-I don´t feel so good.
-Yes you do, you feel just fine. How long will you isolate yourself from the world and stay inside with only your reflection in the mirror?
I knew he had a point. I knew that I was forced to leave this room someday. My hair was a mess, my eyes where black and my hand had been stuck to the phone for days. Even my bones hurt.
I was fisically heartbreaking, fisically aching.
I took the longest shower in the history of modern love and loss and braided my thick and torn hair.
söndag 28 juni 2009
21. Take me back to heartache and complane, bring me down, knock me down./ I WANT A LOVER I DONT HAVE TO LOVE.
I needed this to stop, our I would die of desperation and sillyness.
I would become paranoid and I could not live my life under my covers waiting for an addiction that was not coming back.
Still, when I lived,
when I walked,
dreamt,
ate,
slept,
drank
and
ran,
I still just could not for the life of me get you out of my mind.
I used to count the times that I thought about you during a day, but could'nt, I could not count that high. I ran out of fingers, toes, even hairs.
Even though I was deep beneath countless layers of covers, pillows and blankets my whole body was freezing, from inside my heart and veins out to the tips of my toes. It did not matter how warm the room was, how many cups of tea with milk and honey I drank, my toes were still freezing and my heart was still stone cold, freezing to death.I hid deeper beneath the cover.
Started to think about heartaches that had passed.
How long time it took.
How alone I had felt.
This time was going to be different.
I knew that even though I could not get him out of my head I could get someone else in my bed.
I would become paranoid and I could not live my life under my covers waiting for an addiction that was not coming back.
Still, when I lived,
when I walked,
dreamt,
ate,
slept,
drank
and
ran,
I still just could not for the life of me get you out of my mind.
I used to count the times that I thought about you during a day, but could'nt, I could not count that high. I ran out of fingers, toes, even hairs.
Even though I was deep beneath countless layers of covers, pillows and blankets my whole body was freezing, from inside my heart and veins out to the tips of my toes. It did not matter how warm the room was, how many cups of tea with milk and honey I drank, my toes were still freezing and my heart was still stone cold, freezing to death.I hid deeper beneath the cover.
Started to think about heartaches that had passed.
How long time it took.
How alone I had felt.
This time was going to be different.
I knew that even though I could not get him out of my head I could get someone else in my bed.
onsdag 24 juni 2009
20. I love your depression and I love your double-chin.
Today, 12.09 PM
I do not love you today. Today, my love is all out of stock. Maybe it´s temporary, maybe it´s forever. I just know that today I woke up feeling realistic and you are not someone I want to give my heart to only so you can eat it up and leave it like an eggshell.
Today you are not the apple of my eye
today you are not the object of my affection
today you are close not to being even a friend
today for some unexplainable reason I do not feel love or obsession or adoration for you, at all.
I don´t even know if I want to see you.
Maybe it´s a form of a self-protection mechanism of this heart of mine.
I do not know, and I am not keen on finding out either. It just feels so nice not to be dragging around my big malfunctioning heart all over the place again today. Maybe tomorrow it will start all over again, but for today, I can breath.
The plan lasted two days, five hours and 47 minutes.
Then I was back to wondering how your day was going, what you were wearing.
If it was your green shirt. If it was your favorite shoes. If it was those gloves I bought you.
Or, I didn´t buy them, they were originally mine. They were pink and actually to small for you but I knew that it was chilly outside and as you left my apartament that morning I thought it was a fair trade as I had already taken your white shirt. You made me swore I would never take it off. I made you swore the same with the gloves.And those were pink.Really pink.
I do not love you today. Today, my love is all out of stock. Maybe it´s temporary, maybe it´s forever. I just know that today I woke up feeling realistic and you are not someone I want to give my heart to only so you can eat it up and leave it like an eggshell.
Today you are not the apple of my eye
today you are not the object of my affection
today you are close not to being even a friend
today for some unexplainable reason I do not feel love or obsession or adoration for you, at all.
I don´t even know if I want to see you.
Maybe it´s a form of a self-protection mechanism of this heart of mine.
I do not know, and I am not keen on finding out either. It just feels so nice not to be dragging around my big malfunctioning heart all over the place again today. Maybe tomorrow it will start all over again, but for today, I can breath.
The plan lasted two days, five hours and 47 minutes.
Then I was back to wondering how your day was going, what you were wearing.
If it was your green shirt. If it was your favorite shoes. If it was those gloves I bought you.
Or, I didn´t buy them, they were originally mine. They were pink and actually to small for you but I knew that it was chilly outside and as you left my apartament that morning I thought it was a fair trade as I had already taken your white shirt. You made me swore I would never take it off. I made you swore the same with the gloves.And those were pink.Really pink.
måndag 22 juni 2009
19. But babe, I forgot, you sleep alone, only with god on your side.
She lived in her covers for days.
Her friends would sing her songs about past lovers but she hated them.
She hated them cause they where happy.
She was not.
They where talking about the hurt of former lovers with smiles on their faces and rings on their fingers.
Such hippocrits. Heartache is not heartache when you've got someone.
Then it´s just.. heart.
She convinced herself that no one had ever felt what she´d felt and now that the feeling was gone she wanted it to return more than ever. That feeling. Listening to the shins on the radio she remebered his every move, every step, every word that came out of his mouth.
To be desired had been her only wish for so long.
Her friends would sing her songs about past lovers but she hated them.
She hated them cause they where happy.
She was not.
They where talking about the hurt of former lovers with smiles on their faces and rings on their fingers.
Such hippocrits. Heartache is not heartache when you've got someone.
Then it´s just.. heart.
She convinced herself that no one had ever felt what she´d felt and now that the feeling was gone she wanted it to return more than ever. That feeling. Listening to the shins on the radio she remebered his every move, every step, every word that came out of his mouth.
To be desired had been her only wish for so long.
fredag 19 juni 2009
18. Go back to your dark clouds babe.
There was one time in my life when I used to think that love was something that came naturally, most likely in your early teen years and would stay forever, and the boy you fell for would be amazing and beautiful and completely sweep you off your feet and you would be his and only his forever. And he would make you breakfast in bed and always tell you he loved you and that he missed you when you came home.
My father did that. Every single day when my mom came home he would hug her, no matter how angry or tired she was, and he would hold her close, even though she was furious at him, and tell her that he had missed her all day. She would never say it back. She never would.
I think that in the end he did not care that much that she didn't. Maybe he knew she did. Or maybe he knew she didn't, not as much as him, but he did not care, he just wanted her to know. He wanted her to know that she would always be the apple of his eye.
I would wonder what she had done to deserve him. I knew, she was amazing, she so deserved him. But I could not help to feel so angry with her for having a boy to tell her he loved her every day and I did not have anyone. And I kept imaging that if I just had one I would never break his heart, I would never make him sad, I would just want to hold him in my arms forever and bake him cookies and write him letters and kiss him all over, all the time. I would want to grow old in his arms and when we would lie there, in a hospitalbed ,too old to talk, almost too old to breath even, I would keep him in my arms and kiss his forehead.
And we would know, that this was forever, and that I adored him and that he adored me.
We would take our last breath and wisper sweet words to each other and we would hear them, even thru the air and thru our non-functioning hearingaids.
Was I a fool to belive in everlasting love?
Was I a fool to think that what I had with the boy on the other side of the oceans was love, or that, one day, it would turn out to be love? Was my mind once again playing tricks on me and my heart blindfolding me, was it therefore I would get short of breath everytime I even just saw an picture of him?
My father did that. Every single day when my mom came home he would hug her, no matter how angry or tired she was, and he would hold her close, even though she was furious at him, and tell her that he had missed her all day. She would never say it back. She never would.
I think that in the end he did not care that much that she didn't. Maybe he knew she did. Or maybe he knew she didn't, not as much as him, but he did not care, he just wanted her to know. He wanted her to know that she would always be the apple of his eye.
I would wonder what she had done to deserve him. I knew, she was amazing, she so deserved him. But I could not help to feel so angry with her for having a boy to tell her he loved her every day and I did not have anyone. And I kept imaging that if I just had one I would never break his heart, I would never make him sad, I would just want to hold him in my arms forever and bake him cookies and write him letters and kiss him all over, all the time. I would want to grow old in his arms and when we would lie there, in a hospitalbed ,too old to talk, almost too old to breath even, I would keep him in my arms and kiss his forehead.
And we would know, that this was forever, and that I adored him and that he adored me.
We would take our last breath and wisper sweet words to each other and we would hear them, even thru the air and thru our non-functioning hearingaids.
Was I a fool to belive in everlasting love?
Was I a fool to think that what I had with the boy on the other side of the oceans was love, or that, one day, it would turn out to be love? Was my mind once again playing tricks on me and my heart blindfolding me, was it therefore I would get short of breath everytime I even just saw an picture of him?
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